It's Negative

Monday I went in for my HCG. My level was 4 which is considered a negative. I already knew I was not pregnant anymore, but it was so final on Monday. I have to say that this loss was not as hard on me as my previous miscarriage at 10 weeks, but it was still hard. There are many feelings that go through your mind (or at least mine) after a loss. Here are a few:

1. It's hard to admit but last time I felt mad at God and wondered why he would allow this to happen to me. It took a little bit for me to get over those feelings of anger and frustration. This time around I really wanted to have faith and accept that I'm sure this happened for a reason and that God has a plan for me. Reading bible verses, praying, and reading encouraging blogs have really helped with this part.

2. It's hard not to blame yourself. Unfortunately miscarriages are very common, but I have been going back through the events right before my bleeding episode. My husband and I went on a short trip the weekend before this occurred and we both regret it. I'm sure that it wouldn't have changed anything, but it's still hard not to wonder "did I do something to cause this?".

3. It's hard to comfort your spouse when you are feeling sad, alone, frustrated, and angry. I feel really bad about this one. I spent all last week acting distant and upset with my husband for not trying to comfort me more. Selfishly, I dismissed the fact that he was also going through a period of grief. In a perfect world we would have relied on each other in our times of need which would have combated those feelings of loneliness.

4. It's hard to talk about. I didn't tell many people about IVF or that I was pregnant and I'm glad I didn't have to tell many people about our loss. During our whole infertility journey I have found that unless people have lived through it themselves, they don't quite know what to say about it. I feel the same way about talking about a loss. I don't want to hear "when it's meant to happen it will happen" so I'd rather just keep my feelings to myself.

Anyway, I'm happy that I see my doctor on Wednesday. Hopefully we can get a plan in place and I can get some answers soon. In the meantime I will continue to pray and have faith!